wrong way

Yesterday I went for a run and noticed that the ear buds I have had hooked into my iPod for a while now have officially bit the dust. My roommate let me borrow hers and when I came back telling her how great they worked, she told me that I could find them cheap at Staples. Being the brilliant college student that I am, I decided this ear bud situation was an emergency (I sleep with my iPod on most nights and use it to block outside noise while doing work) and warranted an 8 PM field trip with two of my roommates to the Staples next to Target on Lincoln St. Twice, I took a wrong turn to get there--note that I've been to this shopping plaza millions of times before. I could tell you how to get there in my sleep.

Both times, the wrong turn I was taking was in the opposite direction of Staples and would eventually lead me to I-290, which is the way home. Yes. I subconsciously attempted to kidnap my roommates and go home. Twice.

Here's the thing--These past few days, I've gotten a lot accomplished. I pulled together a final project for my physics class on freakin' liquid crystals after having absolutely no idea what they did. I held it together and patiently got through a consortium registation fiasco that could have left me short of a pre-req for potential grad schools. I wrote a kick-ass paper on a book I only had 24 hours to read, secured a spot on the leadership team as vice present for a student organization I'm involved in, and I'm enjoying a seemingly smooth finish to my junior year of college. I have a lot to be proud of, and I am proud of myself.

I'm content with the way things are going right now, but I'm not as happy as I should be.

You know that worried feeling that sits in your stomach when you feel like you're forgetting something, or something's missing or otherwise just not right? That's how I feel right now. Something is out of place,and I have this feeling that I'm teetering on the edge of keeping it all under control or just losing it at any second over something stupid. I'm extra sensitive to people's words and actions when I shouldn't be. And I'm sorry in advance if I let go on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Yeah, I wish I was home right now. If I could pick any place in the world to go right this second, that's where I would be, because maybe the relief I'd feel from being home and being done with school for a while would flush out this wierd worried feeling and I can really be happy with everything I've done.

Guess I should have picked a more convenient time to start making wrong turns, so that maybe I could just keep driving straight to where I wish I was instead of having to reverse directions.


gotta start somewhere

I spent this past semester in my microbiology class looking up various information about the pathogenic organism Mycobacterium tuberculosis, the perpetrator of the disease more commonly known simply as tuberculosis, or just TB. One of the things I found out was that over 1/3 of the world's population is infected with MTB without even knowing it. Only 10% of those infected will ever begin to present symptoms of tuberculosis disease, but that doesn't mean nothing is happening--in fact, these little tiny bacteria set up camp in their host's immune cells, replicating over and over, creating proteins and virulence factors, waiting for their chance to break free and reach their full potential.

recently, i came to a realization that i am just the same.

By just the same, I don't mean that I'm a nasty microbe waiting to wreak havoc on some poor unsuspecting person's respiratory organs. What I mean is that I am constantly changing, feeling, evolving, thinking... and somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that it would be better to keep it all in, just bottle it up and not show any signs of anything going on in my head.

A high school teacher of mine once referred to me as the quiet soul at the back of her classroom. And she was right, I am quiet. For whatever reason, I taught myself over the years that keeping my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself at all times was probably in my best interest. On the plus side, I'm learning that this is not true. I've come to learn that within me, I have a voice that is dying to speak, and maybe other people would genuinely like to hear what it has to say. The problem is, all of it wants out. NOW. Faster than I can reverse upwards of 9 years of quietness.

I may not be able to use my voice as much as I would like, but I have two working hands always willing to pick up a pen or start typing.

So here it is. In my bacteria analogy, this is my lysing factor. This is my way of letting it all break out when it has to and my vocal cords won't let it. This is my place to put my thoughts for anyone who may be interested in them, until I really find my voice again.

Enjoy it.