I spent this past semester in my microbiology class looking up various information about the pathogenic organism Mycobacterium tuberculosis, the perpetrator of the disease more commonly known simply as tuberculosis, or just TB. One of the things I found out was that over 1/3 of the world's population is infected with MTB without even knowing it. Only 10% of those infected will ever begin to present symptoms of tuberculosis disease, but that doesn't mean nothing is happening--in fact, these little tiny bacteria set up camp in their host's immune cells, replicating over and over, creating proteins and virulence factors, waiting for their chance to break free and reach their full potential.
recently, i came to a realization that i am just the same.
By just the same, I don't mean that I'm a nasty microbe waiting to wreak havoc on some poor unsuspecting person's respiratory organs. What I mean is that I am constantly changing, feeling, evolving, thinking... and somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that it would be better to keep it all in, just bottle it up and not show any signs of anything going on in my head.
A high school teacher of mine once referred to me as the quiet soul at the back of her classroom. And she was right, I am quiet. For whatever reason, I taught myself over the years that keeping my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself at all times was probably in my best interest. On the plus side, I'm learning that this is not true. I've come to learn that within me, I have a voice that is dying to speak, and maybe other people would genuinely like to hear what it has to say. The problem is, all of it wants out. NOW. Faster than I can reverse upwards of 9 years of quietness.
I may not be able to use my voice as much as I would like, but I have two working hands always willing to pick up a pen or start typing.
So here it is. In my bacteria analogy, this is my lysing factor. This is my way of letting it all break out when it has to and my vocal cords won't let it. This is my place to put my thoughts for anyone who may be interested in them, until I really find my voice again.