You know what I like? Epiphanies. That one moment when the lightbulb flicks on in your head and all of a sudden you start making all these connections that seem so obvious now but were hiding before. When you finally start feeling like you're closer to figuring it all out. There aren't many feelings better than that.

The past is old news. You can't go back and relive it. There's nothing you can do about it now except think about it, learn from it, replay it as much as you need to until you're satisfied. After all, everything that happened back then affects you right now to some degree. Good or bad, life-changing or insignificant, it's all a part of you.

so when you finally sit down and think, think back, think back and really dig through the past to figure out the reason why you decided to find a shell to take cover in,
decided to hide from the world under baggy clothes and big hooded sweatshirts and long hair in your face,
decided to keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself because you were better off just staying quiet,
and you figure out that it was probably all because of some stupid thing that was said about you years and years ago by some stupid girl who you weren't even friends with,
and because all her stupid friends, many of whom were once all your stupid friends, all of whom you had known almost your entire stupid life, turned and laughed at you when she said it,
and because a few days later some other unrelated stupid person did some other stupid thing that also made you feel like the stupidest person on this whole stupid planet and then all sorts of stupid variations of those stupid events continued to take place throughout the next couple of stupid years,
then... maybe you'll feel a little stupid.
because the past is the past, right? and it was a 13-year-old kind of issue that you should have probably outgrown and forgotten about, right? and... they were just words. stupid words, at that. words can't hurt, right?
sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me...?
hah. whoever came up with that saying should have included a disclaimer that it's only valid until age 7.
those words hurt more than any stick or stone i've ever come in contact with.

They say time heals everything. Maybe they're right. But some wounds are deeper than others, some require more time and more care to really heal the right way. So maybe, it's okay that something that happened years ago is still very much a real part of you. Maybe now that it's out in the open, you can start to accept it and get beyond it.

The past is important, but it doesn't need to rule your life. The present and future are just as essential. Once you find the cut, you can try to stop it from bleeding out into what's happening now and what's yet to come. You can help it heal, and with time and patience, you can make it all okay. This is it, this is our one shot at life, and the past can't take it over.

I had an epiphany. I know what happened to me and why. I'm ready now to really make it okay. I want to put the past where it belongs, to keep it as a part of me but to focus on the present and the future.


In less than a week, I will be a senior in college. Weird.

I have grown up. I've been an adult on paper for almost three years now, but now I'm starting to feel like one.

It's been a tough ride getting here, and there are certainly times in my life that I would much rather not relive. But if I were given the choice, I wouldn't do anything different. I wouldn't change any aspect of the past 21 years for anything in the world. It's the people, places, and events in my life that have shaped me to this point. I am who I am today because of where I have been, for better and for worse--I like to hope the better outweighs the worse.

And to the person who told me today that she was sorry she didn't do more to help me through the tougher parts--I want you to know that no one could have done it better than you did. You kept me grounded when I could have easily lost control. There aren't enough words to describe how incredibly grateful I am for all that you are, have been, and will be to me.

I only hope that I can one day be half as good at this as you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy. I love you.


I'm just a little black rain cloud

I have this weird habit of referencing or quoting obscure things from the past. For example, the other day there was this giant cloud of doom over campus that looked like it was just going to open up and start pouring any second, so I started saying "Tut tut, it looks like rain!" over and over again.

No one understood it until I explained the context in detail.


A flashback to childhood every so often is kinda cool.