i drove.

i drove south and east for an hour. just me. i didn't stop until i was there, until it was right in front of me.

the sagamore bridge. one of the most easily recognizable symbols of summer in new england.

over that bridge, everything melts away and washes out to sea. all you have to do is feel the sand under your toes, the warmth of the sun, the cool ocean water on your skin. all you have to do is smell the freshness of the air and listen to the people laugh. all you have to do is stand on the shore and look out at the vast open horizon in front of you, picture yourself in comparison to the atlantic ocean you're standing in and realize your place in the big picture. over that bridge, everything is right.

i live for summer. i wait for it every year from september until june. it's when i'm the happiest, because it's when i feel like i'm really me, like i can break out of my shell and still be okay. i rely on my summers to get me through all the crap in the other three seasons, to give me a reason to think optimistically in a world too often preoccupied with death, destruction, doom, and dismay. i get excited and i get my hopes up; i make big plans for my summers based on the daydreams i have on frigid, gloomy, gray afternoons. and while most of these big plans just continue on as daydreams, enough amazing and wonderful unplanned things usually happen to make up for it.

this year, june rolled into boston and brought with it about 23 days' worth of cold, rainy, march-esque weather. maybe that should have been the first clue that this summer wouldn't be like the others.

i'm a firm believer that any situation is only as bad as you make it out to be. if you're willing to keep yourself facing forward and to get back up when you fall, everything will work out. but right now, i have 5 days left of summer, and i don't feel okay, not at all, even though i did so much. i grew so much and accomplished so much this summer. but for whatever reason, i'm stuck in this emotional low point and i don't think those 5 days are going to help much because i'm at a loss for what to do to fix it. in fact, i'd like nothing more than to just fast forward through them and get out of this shitty season of disappointment, just so i can start waiting and hoping that next summer will go a little better.

i drove all the way to the sagamore bridge, but that was it. i didn't make it over to the other side.

instead, i stayed on the west side of the canal and drove a quarter mile down route 6 to the closest dunkin donuts i could find, where i then had the worst-tasting iced coffee i've ever had in my life. it was like it was my punishment for not going where i knew i wanted & needed to go.

another day down, 5 to go.

good thing i still believe in miracles, because i could use one at this point.